ramblings of my insane mind

What a past couple of days. I swear I really do suck at being a mom! I have really been struggling lately with my kids, particularly Easton....newsflash huh? I know the fact that I've been off my meds is NOT helping any situation, let alone being a "sane" mommy! I can feel depression seeping back in slowly. I've got to find a way to get back on my meds. Or really just find a way to get a doctor to write me a prescription. I can get my meds at Walmart for $4 even without insurance. Otherwise, I'm really gonna win the "worst mom of the year" award FOR SURE!!!!

I struggle so much with Easton. He's yet my hardest child BY FAR! I'm grateful to have a wonderful husband to fall back on when I'm at my lowest or most desperate moment though! I don't understand why Easton is such a trial. I really ponder it all the time. I lose it with him so quickly. I find myself having no patience for him. I find myself resenting him. I know it's horrible, but it's true, and I'm admitting it. There. See, call me a bad mom. I try not to do these things, but I always seem to fail. What's sad is that my two older kids are picking up on my impatience with Easton and I find them saying things to Easton that I tend to say. I really need to get that aspect of my life into perspective. I'm truly afraid that I'm tarnishing him for life as he gets older. I feel that he deserves a better mommy. If you look at him you can see just how cute he is, but wow he's difficult. I dunno? Maybe it's just all in my head. Although Will can testify that this is true. Or maybe Shelly and Kamry can after our hellish week in Show Low a few weeks back. I'm at a loss as what to do with him anymore. I don't feel like I can be a good mommy for him. And then once I get all worked up over Easton I feel super frustrated with my other two kids. It's a vicious cycle. Maybe I need to be locked up in a mental institution? Probably wouldn't hurt.

On another note, Will is just about to finish out his first week with UPS. It's gone great so far. He feels like it's going to really help us out. And I believe him, but I still feel a bit guilty that he is working two jobs and going to school. But Will thinks that he's gonna like this job so much that he's thinking about staying with the company as a 2nd job even when he's done with school and gets a career with his degree. I think it sounds crazy, but he says UPS will offer us great benefits. Unfortunately, we won't get those benefits until Will has worked for the company for 6 months. So we shall see. It would be a great plus not to have to put up with the ordeal of going through AHCCCS (state medicaid) and the headaches that accompany that. We shall see. I'm grateful that Will is working so hard for us. I know it's a sacrifice.

Oh, one good thing that happened today was that Will's boss from Housemaster rewarded him for working so hard over the last few weeks and running the office solo. So, we celebrated and took the fam to Barro's pizza for dinner. Woohoo. Laura met us there, and it was really good to see her again. We don't get to see her enough ever since we both moved out of the Lehi area. I do have to say that Will's boss and her family have been a huge blessing to our family since he took the job at Housemaster. Thank you Wendy and Hal.

Oh, and Jen....thank you for the sweet phone call to check up on me. I was gone dropping Mariah off at her last day at boredom busters :(

I'm grateful to have such good friends and family! I love you all.